can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
