then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
