i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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