Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
