'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
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