do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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