His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
