Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I will be naked everywhere
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
