There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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