Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Randomize
