If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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