I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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