i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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