I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
