Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
