update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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