I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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