Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
