I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
