FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
