My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
