someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
