how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
it hurts more in the daytime
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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