He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
It was like giving head to a cactus.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
