I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
