I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
