i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
