I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
You may now shotgun with the bride
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
