Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
