Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
