I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
