i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
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