he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
