My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
