There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
