it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
