"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
