It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Randomize
