You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
