HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Randomize
