pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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