Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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