They should really pass out barf bags in church
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
