So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
