I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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