I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
