Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
