saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
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