dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
