i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
