Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
organizing the empties. That sober.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
