I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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